Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,

Below please find our Christmas list.  Hopefully you will do a better job at granting our wishes than the Easter Bunny and that Leprechaun we caught last Spring!

Let's start with what we consider immediate needs. (OK, some people may say "wants" instead of "needs" but they are close-minded, haters.  So, screw them!).  

1)  $980,000 to repair the pool.  We promise we will take good care of it this time --- And, we promise not to take TOO MUCH money from the School Budget to operate it.  But, no, we still refuse to admit exactly how much it will cost to operate it.  Don't tell me you've become one of those mean-spirited bastards who are actually concerned about spending other people's money!

2)  We would also like $500,000 to fix windows that may or may not have been correctly installed and/or maintained..  We don't want to have a lot of discussion, but we probably have found out what happens when you wait 15 years to do the 5 year maintenance.

3)  We would also like $150,000 to renovate the A Wing to make room for the 7th & 8th graders.  This is actually an investment, Santa.  The sooner we move these kids around, the sooner we can abandon the Wing School and start the 10 year process of watching it decay as we argue over what to do with it.

4)  We will also need some iPads.  I'm guessing that will be a big number.  We haven't talked about this publicly, but it cost around $550,000 two years ago to equip the 9th and 10th grade.  I'm guessing it will cost even more to equip the new 9th grade, as well as the new incoming 7th & 8th graders.  We promise we will try to get more teachers to actually use them -- but, no promises on what the kids will actually use them for!  (I think there should be a discussion between you and Deputy Cahill about THAT!)

5)  We would like $30 Million for two new Public Safety Buildings.  Or, maybe $20 Million for three Public Safety Buildings?  We promise not to apply for any more stupid grants for things that we don't need and can't afford to maintain.  (Do YOU know anybody who wants a broken fire boat that has only been used once?)

6)  We would like a big bucket of money to settle an ugly lawsuit with a certain former employee. We do know this will be well over $300,000 but we don't know the exact number yet -- but the judge has used the phrase "You broke the law, now you have to make her whole", so I doubt it will be cheap.  Santa, we'd also like to request that the Lawyers who recommended that the Town pursue this case be put on the Naughty List.  It seems that 5 out of the 6 judges that reviewed this case didn't think there should have even been a case.  Maybe those lawyers could reimburse you for the some of the cost of cleaning up their mess?

7)  We would also like a $10 Million Road Bond to do $3 million worth of road work.  The rest of the money is for parking lots, driveways, sidewalks, tennis courts, and a football field.

8)  We also need a giant pile of money put sand on our beaches.  While the Army Corps may have improved the Canal and Scusset Beach with their Breakwater, they effectively screwed Sandwich as we watch our sand wash away on a regular basis.  

9)  And, we will need an even bigger pile of money to do something about sewage.  Some people are starting to complain about having septic tanks next to their drinking water wells.  We have no idea how much money, or what we are going to do with it.  Maybe you could just leave us a Gift Certificate?

10)  We are also going to need some money to fix the Grist Mill.  We're hearing $8,000 now.  But, we suspect, that by the time we study the problem, ignore it, study it again and actually start the work, the damage will have grown and the cost will be $800,000 and there won't be any room in the building for the grist stone.  --- (Remember Town Hall?).  But -- remember cost is no object.  This is a beloved historical site that people from around the world drive by on their way to vacation in Dennis and Yarmouth!

Santa, we have two other problems that we are going to need your help to fix.

11)  We seem to be completely incapable of actually developing what little commercial land is available.  So, the entire cost of running the Town is being passed on to residential homeowners.  This isn't Chatham, or Yarmouth.  Our beaches are barely mediocre at best, and tourist revenue is a fantasy to most of the Town.  Not sure what you can do about this problem, Santa -- but we'd probably give you a consulting contract if you need something to do in your off-season.

12)  The other Problem, Santa, is The Power Plant.  Once upon a time, the plant paid the majority of the local taxes in Town.  As the Plant has become obsolete, its value (and our tax revenue) has plummeted.  We don't want to disturb folks by saying this too loudly -- but once the plant closes, our taxes are going to automatically jump -- no Override vote needed.  Santa, we are definitely going to need help with this issue in the very near future -- whether our leaders want to admit it or not.

Thanks very much for your help, Santa.

The People of Sandwich